Deliverance
by Jessi Malfoy
Summary: Byron likes his best friend more than a friend. Jeff finds out and confronts him. JeffByron slash. In progress.
1. Byron

**Deliverance**

_Disclaimer: Ann M. Martin owns these characters, not me._  
_Warning: mild slash_

* * *

Byron wonders sometimes what it would be like if he could just _tell _Jeff how he really feels. He imagines the various ways _that_ conversation would go. 

'Hey, um, Jeff… I kinda like you.'

'Uh, great, By, I like you too…?' Byron just knows that Jeff would have that adorable look of confusion on his face, because he's _way _too clueless for his own good.

'No, I mean, I like you. Like, more than a friend.'

'Oh. _Oh._' Byron imagines Jeff's eyes widening as he realises.

And, depending on how masochistic Byron happens to feel that day, he imagines Jeff backing away, Jeff shaking his head, Jeff yelling, Jeff telling him they couldn't be friends anymore, Jeff telling him he was a freak, Jeff…

Byron groans and lets himself fall face-down onto his pillow. It's hard to breathe with his nose all scrunched up and every breath that he _does _take heats the cloth up until it feels like he's just inhaling his own recycled breath. He ponders what it would be like if it were _Jeff's _breath he was breathing in and then he realises what he's doing and groans again.

He stays like that for a little while longer, but now he's got the image of Jeff leaning close enough to him for them to breathe the same air and he sits up sharply, banging his head on the bottom of the bunk bed above him. He yelps and clamps a hand to his forehead.

Byron sighs and rubs his head until it's just a dull ache that sort of feels like the one in his chest that he gets every time that Jeff looks at him, then turns away, and he has to realise, yet again, that Jeff really _doesn't_ feel the same way he does.

He's tried to tell Jeff before, but he's never managed it. Every time he opens his mouth to say it, he realises that if he does say it, he may never see Jeff again. Well, slight exaggeration, he'll never be able to look Jeff in the face again, and Jeff will look right through him when they pass each other in the street, like a total stranger.

He's tried to write it too. He has countless half-finished letters lying in a drawer under a pile of schoolwork and other junk, where he hopes that Nicky or Adam or Jordan will never look, despite the fact that they're all in sealed envelopes, because he's just _that _scared.

_Jeff, _they all start, because he'd tried writing "Dear Jeff" and "Hey Jeff" and even "G'day Jeff", in an attempt to be funny after they'd been laughing about the Australian slang words that James still uses, but nothing seemed right, so plain ol' _Jeff_ it was.

_Jeff, _says one, _I don't really know how to tell you this. I'm sure you'll think I'm a complete freak if you do ever read this. That's why I'm probably never going to send this, and it's just going to become another one in a big jumble of letters that I'll never send you. I don't think I could handle it if… well, you'd stop talking to me, and I'd have to pretend we fought or something and mom would be worried and Adam and Jordan would joke about it and I really don't think I could stand that at all. _

_Oh man, Jeff, I don't know how to say this at all. I've never told anyone. It's only fair that I tell you first because you're my best friend and because you… well, you're part of it. You deserve to know. I just, I don't want this to change us, the best friend thing, the hanging out and the movies and… _

_I'm really not making much sense. I'll just, I'll miss you, is all. _

_I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, I like you, Jeff. I _really_ like you. And I know you're not like that. You're not… You like girls. I know that. I do. But still, sometimes, you give me a look, or you say something and I'm suddenly thinking that it could happen and then you look at some girl and I just know that I'm going temporarily crazy. Again. _

_I don't want this to change what you think of me, even though I know it will, but I still want to be friends, and I hope you do too. Don't worry, I won't jump you or anything. I can restrain myself. I get it, you're not like that. You're not like me. It'd never work, we're too different, I mean, you're into health food. Yes, that's a big deal. No, don't look at me that way. (I hope that made you laugh. If it didn't, I think this friendship deal may be a lost cause.) _

_I just want to thank you for just being there for me, in case I don't get a chance to tell you in person. (Also, much easier to be a pussy on paper …c'mon, you're meant to laugh.) You're an amazing best friend. I really don't want to lose you, but I can let you go, if that's what you need me to do. _

_Byron _

Byron had sealed it and put Jeff's name on it and he really was going to send it. He had even put Jeff's address, which he hadn't done for the others. It was going to be _The Letter_. The one he would actually put in Jeff's mailbox, or locker, or hand, and the one that he would let Jeff read. But then he put it, scared, into his drawer, under all the schoolwork.

Or he thought he had, until Jeff bursts in through the bedroom door and waves The Letter at him.

Oh_ God. _

'What the hell is this, Byron? Is this a joke?' Jeff's voice is louder than Byron thinks he intended it to be and Byron cringes.

'I- God, I can explain, Jeff.' Byron is just stalling for time, because he knows that he can't explain, that he's already explained everything in The Letter, and, oh God, Jeff _knows._

'Is this for real?' Jeff's voice is quieter now, and Byron thinks it sounds sort of sad and confused, so he doesn't look up because he really doesn't want to see the look on Jeff's face cause it's probably full of disgust or disappointment or a million other bad emotions that he never wants to see Jeff direct towards him.

'…yes.' Byron stares at the ground and the word comes out a choked whisper.

'For-' Jeff's voice cracks and Byron gets an absurd urge to smile. Jeff clears his throat and continues, 'For how long?'

'Ages, too long, I-' Byron bites his lip and stops talking.

'I di-I didn't know.' Jeff swallows loud enough for Byron to hear it. 'Just- By, can you look at me?'

Byron figures he'd probably do anything for Jeff, even now, and slowly raises his head. He focuses his eyes at around the region of Jeff's neck, because looking into Jeff's eyes and seeing the anger and the betrayal and the… Byron makes a strangled noise and drops his head again.

'I- I can't.' He whispers and feels more than hears Jeff's slight whimper.

'Is this,' Byron sees Jeff's hands flail at the space between them with his peripheral vision, 'how it's going to be now? How can we be friends if you can't even look at me?'

'You want to be friends?' Byron's so surprised that he looks up and straight into Jeff's face, which really doesn't contain the amount of hate that he had expected it to have. Possibly none, even.'Even if… even though I'm-'

'You're my best friend, Byron.' There's so much emotion in Jeff's voice and in his eyes as he says it that Byron can't even _begin_ to process it.

The silence stretches on and on, until finally Jeff steps forward and holds out The Letter, which Byron can't stop thinking of in capitals. He looks up and Jeff's biting his lip, holding The Letter out to him. He nods slightly and takes it from Jeff's hand and their fingersbrush together accidentally. Jeff jumps back as if he's been burnt and Byron winces.

'Sorry.' Byron mutters numbly and he doesn't - _can't_ – look up at Jeff. Jeff can't even touch him, fucking _great_. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's, um, it's okay.' Jeff mumbles, shaking his head. 'I, uh, should go. I'm not supposed to be long and, um, yeah. Yeah.'

Byron sighs softly and nods, not believing _that _for a second. 'Yeah.'

Jeff mutters something that might have been intended to be 'Goodbye.', but Byron can't really tell, and hebacks out the door. Byron can hear him run down the stairs so fast he might as well be an Olympic sprinter.

'Oh _fuck._' Byron drops his head into his hands and tries not to start crying.

* * *

_to be continued_


	2. Jeff

**Deliverance**

* * *

Jeff's in his room, watching TV, only not really _watching _it, because he keeps getting stuck remembering the way Byron looked all lost and… Jeff stares at the TV and tries to get caught up in the show, which seems to be some generic soap opera, set in California, with happy teenage surfer boys and girls, not unlike his Californian friends.

'Ugh, not helping.' He mutters, as the camera pans out over the ocean and shows all the people surfing. He still has almost three months until he heads back there, and he can't _wait. _Things are much less complicated in Palo City. There are no best friends in love with him in Palo City.

Everything's so fucking complicated. Jeff wants to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, make out with girls and just do something generally stupid and totally _teenage_ that won't be _complicated_. He doesn't want to think of Byron and the letter and the way that his eyes looked when Jeff pulled his hand away.

It's been almost a week since the incident with the letter, and Jeff's talked with Byron a few times over the phone, but neither of them has mentioned it, and the conversations were always distant and sounded strange to Jeff's ears.

He knows he shouldn't have rushed into Byron's room like that, like a fucking madman. Byron's been weird about it for the entire week and Jeff knows he has good reason, even if he doesn't say so.

'Fuck.' Jeff knows swearing won't help, but he feels like swearing, god damn it, so he's going to swear. He throws his pillows to the ground to punctuate his words. 'Fuck fuck fucking _fuck_.'

'Jeffery, that is really not appropriate language. I will not tolerate curses in this house.' Jeff jumps, sitting up fast on his bed, his head snapping in the direction of the door. Richard is standing there, staring at him.

'God, can't you knock before you come into my room?' Jeff yells it, and he knows he's going to get into trouble, but he doesn't really care.

'I won't have you speaking to me like that, young man.' Oh _geez_, "young man". Jeff rolls his eyes.

'Oh yeah?' Jeff says it in that sarcastic tone he knows that Richard hates.

'You are in my house, Jeff; you should show your mother and myself the proper respect. I would never have dreamed of shouting at my father when I was your age.' Jeff's mouth drops open.

'You're _not _my father.' Jeff's voice is icy. He stands up and races out the door, slamming past Richard and knocking him off balance. He picks up his mother's car keys from the table in the hall and makes a move for the front door. His mom looks up from her book as he races past and she calls out to him, but his blood is pounding in his ears so loud that he doesn't hear her.

'Taking your car, mom, back later.' He shouts back into the house as he opens the front door, not waiting to hear her response. Richard's coming down the stairs with an angry glint in his eyes and Jeff makes a break for it.

Jeff jumps in the car and starts it up, driving fast, but carefully, away from the house. Last thing he needs is to total his mom's car. See what Richard would do to him then.

'Well, _shit_. What the fuck do I do now?' He mutters to himself while manoeuvring the car around in a U-turn when he realises that the street he just drove down is a dead-end cul-de-sac.

He drives aimlessly for a while, just running the fight through his head over and over again.

"_I would never have dreamed of shouting at my father when I was your age."_

"_You're _not _my father."_

Jeff groans and flips on the radio, finding something loud and angry sounding and just letting the music wash over him as he drives. He has a vague feeling that he's just driving around in circles, and he's slightly worried that he doesn't seem to recognise much of the streets he's driving through.

Just then he turns a corner and comes to the high school. He has to laugh a little. Okay, so maybe he just wasn't paying _attention _to where he was. And things look kinda different at night.

Seeing the school gives him images of Byron, which is just as bad, if not worse than the fight with Richard. He _has _to fix the thing with Byron. He can stand having a stepfather who hates him, but a best friend who seems to be simultaneously in love with him and hating his guts? Yeah, he needs to fix that, pronto.

Jeff sighs and pulls the car over and just sits there with the engine idling. He thinks of Byron and everything the letter said and how talking to him about it actually _felt. _He decides to head to the Pike household now and try to talk to Byron in person. Maybe it'll work better in person.

He revs the car and drives towards Byron's house.

Jeff pulls up the car out the front of the Pike house. There's one car there, but it's not one he recognises and there are only a few lights on in the house. There's one in general living room area, one in one of the girl's bedrooms and one in the triplet's bedroom.

He takes a deep breath and leans his head down on the steering wheel for a few minutes. He wonders if it's too late for him to be paying Byron a visit.

'I can do this.' He whispers and licks his lips nervously.

He gets out of the car, shivering slightly in the cool air, and walks to the front door. He raises a hand to the doorbell and then pauses as he wonders if he should ring it. Some of the younger kids might be asleep. He knocks softly on the door instead.

He hears some fumbling with the latch, then Claire opens the door, yawning sleepily and clutching a glass of water in one hand.

'Shouldn't you be in bed?' Jeff asks quietly, and she nods, yawning even wider.

'Drink.' She explains, holding up the water and opens the door wider for him to come in. 'Adam an' Jordan are out. By's around. Prob'ly in his-' Yawn. '-his room.'

Jeff comes in and rubs his arms to get warm as Claire shuffles off to her bedroom, waving goodnight with an extra large yawn.

He walks into the kitchen to see if Byron's there, but he isn't, so Jeff heads upstairs to the triplet's room. He's not in his room. Jeff frowns and heads back downstairs to check in the living room.

Jeff stops dead in the doorway of the living room. Byron's on the couch. Jeff can see that. Jeff can see a whole lot _more _than that. He makes a choking noise, and he thinks he sees Byron twitch, but he's not sure if it's because Byron heard him, or because of something the girl he was making out with did.

Jeff heads straight for the door, not stopping to see if Byron had noticed he was there.He drives fast and recklessly.He doesn't really _think_ about what had happened until he stops the car and turns off the engine. Then he thumps his head onto the steering wheel and stares down through the darkness.

He's just walked in on his gay best friend involved in some pretty fucking heavy petting with some random bimbo. His chest is aching and he's not sure how he's supposed to feel.

* * *

_to be continued_


	3. Byron 2

**Deliverance**

* * *

'Hey, he looks kinda like Jeff!' Jordan laughs and points at a character who has just appeared in the movie. He elbows Byron in the side. 'Doesn't he?' 

Byron's sitting on the couch in his living room with Jordan, Adam, Nicky and Margo. He looks at the character that Jordan's pointed out and he thinks that he really doesn't look like Jeff, because Jeff's hair is a lighter blonde than that, and his nose is straighter and Jeff doesn't have such obvious cheekbones, but he doesn't say that, because that would be _weird. _He settles for nodding absently.

They're watching some comedy about a guy and a girl and Byron doesn't know what else. He's been staring at the screen, but not taking the movie in at all. Jordan's observation just makes it harder to pretend he's concentrating on the movie.

It's been a couple of weeks since the thing with The Letter, and Byron hasn't seen Jeff since then. Well, not outside of school, anyway. He _knew_ this would happen. He knew Jeff would freak out about it. Probably the end of their friendship.

Byron sighs and shakes his head slightly, shifting in his seat. The silence from Jeff is really getting to him. They talked a few times on the phone for the first couple of days after the Letter talk, but it was weird, and Jeff stopped calling, so Byron didn't call him either.

He's been spending a lot of time with his brothers, trying to fit in and do the whole straight-teenager act. He's played more soccer in the past week than he has in over a _month_, he's hung out with more dumb jocks than he thought he'd _ever_ want to and he's done more with a girl than he _ever_ thought he would, all for the sake of fitting in.

But he still doesn't fit in, because all the time he was playing soccer, he wished he was watching a movie with Jeff and all the time he was hanging out with the dumb jocks, he wished he was mock-arguing with Jeff about his health food, and all the time he was making out with that girl… All the time he was making out with that _girl_…

Byron can hardly bring himself to think it, he's just way too embarrassed about The Letter. He's pretty damn curious as to how it got to Jeff too, but he's not going to ask him, or anyone else, about it, in case they could see the '_I'minlovewithmybestfriendandhe_knows' look on his face.

The Jeff-character's face appears on the screen in close up, and Byron decides he can't take it anymore. He gets up from the couch and heads out of the room, ignoring Nicky's question of where he was going.

He wanders outside to where his mom is sitting reading in the garden.

'Hey, uh, mom? Can I take your car for a drive?' He isn't sure she'll let him, but he can't really see any reason she wouldn't, so he figured it's worth a try.

'Hmm?' She looks up slowly from her book. 'What?'

'The car, mom, can I borrow it?' He asks again, smiling at her.

'What for?' Byron doesn't really know what he wants to do.

'I just want to take a drive. Maybe I'll go down to the lake or something.' He shrugs.

'Oh. Well okay, but be careful.' Byron rolls his eyes and nods. 'And don't be too long, okay darling?'

'Okay, mom.' Byron grins and kisses her cheek. 'Thankyou!'

She pulls the car keys from her pocket and hands them to Byron. 'Take care, Byron.'

He nods and thanks her again. He goes quickly to the garage and takes the car out. He doesn't want Nicky or Adam or Jordan to come out and try to come with him. He knows they would. He leaves as quickly as possible.

Byron drives slowly, being careful. He drives past the school and grimaces as he remembers how he's been acting these past two weeks. No wonder Jeff hasn't wanted to talk to him. He's been acting like a jerk. Jeff probably doesn't even…

'Jeff?' Byron's thought is pulled up short as he sees Jeff walking by the side of the road and he can hardly believe his good luck. Now they can sort this fucking mess _out_.

Byron rolls down the window and yells again. 'Jeff!'

Jeff turns to look at him, sees who it is and keeps walking. Byron thinks that maybe this won't be as easy as he'd though. Jeff keeps walking.

'Jeff! C'mon, please!' Byron drives alongside Jeff and calls out to him every now and again.

After about ten minutes, Byron loses his temper. 'Jeff, for God's sake, get in the car!' Jeff finally stops, and turns to look right at Byron.

'Go _away_.' And Jeff keeps walking.

Byron shivers. That was possibly the coldest voice Jeff has ever used on him.

'Jeff, we need to talk.' Byron's voice is full of desperation now. 'Jeff, _please_!'

'No!' Byron recoils and stops the car as Jeff turns sharply to glare at him. 'I don't want to fucking talk, Byron. I don't want to hear whatever fucking bullshit _excuse_ you're going to give me.'

Byron gets out of the car and walks slowly to stand in front of Jeff.

'I'm sorry.' Byron's voice is small and he can't look at Jeff. 'I can't help liking y-'

'You still think this is about _that_?' Jeff's voice is so full of disbelief that it makes Byron flinch.

'It… isn't?' Byron looks at Jeff with shock. He's slightly stunned.

'No, it fucking isn't! You've been a fucking asshole since this thing began!' Byron knew it. 'And last week- Last week- You're fucking jerking me around and you pretend you don't have a fucking clue what I'm talking about.' Jeff's breathing hard and Byron thinks he sees tears in Jeff's eyes.

'Jeff, I don't…' Byron tries to say something, _anything, _but he can't pulls his thoughts together and Jeff continues.

'And I think you sent that fucking letter to me so you could mess with my emoti-' Jeff takes a deep breath. 'So you could mess with my head for some sick little reason of your own!'

Jeff's eyes are wide and Byron can _definitely _see tears now. 'And I do not want _any_ fucking part of this! Just fuck _off_, Byron. Leave me alone!'

'Jeff, please, I didn't- _Jeff_!' Byron calls out desperately as Jeff stats to walk away. 'Just let me _explain!_'

'Explain what? Are you going to be _honest _with me, By?' His tone is mocking and makes Byron flinch back. 'Are you going to explain why you sent me a letter about being in love with me and then ignore me for the next week? Are you going to explain why you didn't call me, if you're so_ desperate _to talk to me about it? Are you going to explain why after you tell me you're gay and you like me, I come over to your house to talk to you and find you making out with some _girl_?_'_

'…what?' Byron stares at Jeff and opens his mouth to say something more, but by the time he's even figured out a vague basis of what he wants to say, Jeff is gone.

Byron walks slowly back to his car and drives numbly home. He just _knows _he's fucked it up for good.

* * *

_  
to be continued_


End file.
